ADVICE TO SNOWBIRDS VISITING ARIZONA
An Anonymous Satire

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names ( Merleen, Bodine, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Daria Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Bobby Joe, Sissy, etc. ). If you laugh, we will kick your ass.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you think ( Trimbull, Boze, Grey, Hillerman etc. ). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hick cowboys, or we'll kick your ass.

We don't care if you think we are dumb .... we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried that, we'd kick their ass.

We are fully aware of how hot it is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and go home, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't complain about the jalapeños, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't fake a Western dialect or wear a funny-color cowboy hat. This will incite a riot and you'll get your ass kicked.

Don't talk down to the Indians. They're better educated than you are, are probably laughing at you anyway, own most of the state, and they will kick your ass.

Don't badmouth the Hispanics. We like them, they have been here longer than anybody except the Indians, and their little sisters will kick your ass.

Don't talk about how much better things are where you come from. Many of us have visited ratholes like Detroit, Chicago and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to use proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't give a damn if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Westerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that Phoenix is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught on fire recently. The pictures in Arizona Highways are real. If you disparage our scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "Sir" and "Ma'am". We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or losers because many of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like L.A., New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

If you are a California Liberal, or any other kind of Liberal, you're welcome to visit, but go home afterwards or we'll take great pleasure in kicking your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us how to cook chili ( unless you are from Texas or New Mexico .... they're qualified to have an opinion ). This will get your ass shot ( right after it is kicked ).

Consider yourself lucky we let you come here at all. Criticize our chili and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

The above is SATIRE. It is something called "humor." If you don't think it's funny, then you ain't lived in Arizona.